LOVED HISTORY, SO IT REPEATED

               

History has always been an extremely interesting subject to me, unlike the normal reactions. Then I have to remember I was never in those normal categories of people. So, how amazing is history , travelling time in just few hours gives all together a different experience. It is just those stories which turned into past. But what actually history is?  just mere subject, texts or dates or the past which is supposedly irrelevant to present and definitely fruitless to be defined in future. We never understood how important this past could be to mold are present and make our future worth appreciating .

How amazing when one day , history walks into the present and you never realise that it could help you live some beautiful moments of times it treasured. The feeling of living it once more just mesmerizes and gives the new reasons of loving the history. When you would be wishing to time travel, there is always a fear of getting stuck there , not ready to leave things and people who already left your present. That is when the real beauty of history comes to life.

But it has not been the same story every time , it has never been. 

That moment when you said , It was not meant to be,

The question was still in her head, WHY ? 

She had tried once, twice and many times.

How stupid she was to not understand 

SHE ALWAYS LOVED HISTORY , 

And so did HISTORY !

Yet, she tried again, not ready for what was to come soon

Something not new for her, not something she had not gone through before ,

But this time , the present was new from the past.

Though, a fool she was to not understand , the destiny of it was still the same, like all her past.

With a very courageous heart , ready to take the risk and bold effort , she once again Tried. 

TRIED FOR YOU !  

Things going well, until one day fears and History scared the soul once again. 

Then came your judgement , your compatibility quotient , calculated with accuracy.

Once again, a friendship wished was gone, a laughter was lost , her comforts lost, History won.

She never understands , things she forces to have always have the strings held at the other end 

Just whispered through , 

HISTORY , PLEASE DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, I WANT LIVE A NEW PRESENT, MAKE A NEW PAST. 

She heard a whisper back ,I LOVE YOU MORE - History *smiles* 

"Ab Dosti bhi itna soch ke kijiyega ?"

SHE could be anything YOU wanted her to be

       

   

She stood there gazing at the sunset that would soon darken the sky she loved to see in the bright 
sunlight.The night how ever seems so pleasing now. There was peace in the roughness and 
complications and dwindled all prospects of happiness. She could not decide where she stood to mark her territories. She went to the beach to decide if she could be the pebbles to form ripples that would make huge waves.

She asked the breeze that if she was strong to bring the storm. The answers lied within her and she never knew that it could be a choice and not an option given to her. Yet she wandered finding answers as she could not figure out if her actions were so indecisive or the cumulative failures at human connectivity had a depth undiscovered.

She went to the spark to know what held her back to bring the fire and she got the scar engraved, she lost it all over again. She was  still firm to change those scars into symbols of victory. 
She met people , of every kind, She left a part of her in them. She wanted people to know why she was there, not for her but for them. She could be the drug, She could be the relief.She could be the monster to make you divine. She could tear apart the darkness to bring out the light you held for so long,blinded by your own self-misconceptions.

She could be the future that would destroy the past you never wanted to travel through.The price you would pay getting into the heaviest debt. 
She has millions of stars that would adorn your sky, not that her's is bright but would make your's the brightest.

      SHE IS THERE, THERE TO BE YOUR CHARM!

How should I Love YOU ?

                                         

Just while I was resting  my back on the green grass of the field ,I overheard the most beautiful words one could tell the other person " I love you". These three words made more sense than any appreciation one soul could give to another. The two , holding hands and embracing each other seemed like the most pleasant sight of that evening. Yet, something that I wondered was the gestures.

 Is a hug or a sweet kiss the only way to show that two people completely adorn each other? How amazingly has this interpretation being turned into a cliche. I have always pondered hard through this thought and action of expression. I have always found the kiss sensual and the hugs warming, but I question myself Will this tell how much "I LOVE YOU" ? 

The other day , the football match brought a new scene into the picture. The captain took his most amazing shot, and there the team achieved a brilliant goal! Everyone applauded , raised their voice to cheer the captain, sure he was the winner! But , then the eyes lost something, they searched for something so desperately, the reward and not the trophy. There, in the corner the unstoppable clapping and the laughter and the smile beamed with pride. The trophy rested ,on the ground the knees were bowed down, in thankfulness. The captain flaunted his strength and gave the most cupid smile to his confidence, she could never hear her heart beat so fast. 

The budding poet sitting at the corner was writing a new poem , what could be his inspiration? I thought. The room with so much of chaos and disturbance, would not the words lose conviction? Does he not fear to lack ideas? Yet, I failed to observe the stolen glances from the other corner ,where the poetry lived.  

The ashtray on the table cleaned by her each morning , saddened and  gave a fresh start not to her mood but the round of drags of smoke by him. That night , her tears and his will replaced the ash with the leftover chocolate cup cake wrapper in the morning.

In all these instances, the three words never found space, So Is it not LOVE? Then what is it ?
Not a kiss , not a hug, Is that no LOVE ? 

The most teen question , the acceptance through age Who do you find sexy?What do you find hot ?
The most sexy is his smile, the hottest is his intellect and what is most attractive is his sense of humor, to make me laugh so hard as to die.

I love that he never said I LOVE YOU , but always understood that I LOVE HIM !

 " HO MEHARBANI  JO DIL DE ZUBANI , KEH DE JO NA KABHI KAHA HAI " 

It was never easy for her

It has been so difficult and hard to get things right in place. To realize how much has life taken from you in these few months. It is hard to even tell and prove people that the person she looks at every morning through those judgmental reflections is not what she was. It is so discouraging to look at something you fail to decipher, you fail to recognize. She , the other day stood gazing at herself , trying her best to figure out about the distortion , the missing. She felt she had been punctured and hollowed, things had really hit her hard. No one but she knows how miserable the feeling of losing yourself is. To become worse from the best, to be lonely when you are never alone. You might not understand why she is like that, because you do not clean other's mess, Do you? So she walks by, not letting you get filthy from the dirt she carries. Each time she gets a hope to recover she has to pull her self down because, her wild shreds speak so loud as to hurt the people she would love to know, love to care for and love to love.  How amazing it would be if you would let her know, how worthy she is, bring out the fear she holds within. She observes that she is desired by some, those who know they can confine,get console for their restlessness. She is not weak just not too strong to be let down again. She is not bad , she is not rude just not ready to hurt the people of the future as she has in her past. She is just tired of always being exploited, of losing things that were close to her and probably were her strength . Her dreams , her fantasies and her most weird and wandering lust thrived on things she could not let go, but Alas! for somethings she had no control on. Everyday she encounters the instability with much humor , but then No one ever tried to look at the blue. She is harsh and you blame her for it, she is caring and you get annoyed out of it, She could not take these rejections together, she went down the dumps. How beautiful she was when her tears rolled down as the laughter that even made you laugh with her,Did you remember to Thank her for that ? You fear her negativity, never understanding that her lust for positivism was not that trivial as you thought it to be. She is the breeze that disguises herself as a strong wind, the tenderness that becomes hard with passage of time. She is life that would taste the bitterness of DEATH !

Be the light that would pierce her darkness, the eyes she would look up to when needed courage, the palm to rest her cheeks on, The hand she would hold when she will be about to fall.

The girl.

Sometimes when I am sleeping she dares to knock. The knock is feeble and weak however has a lot to convey. She has controlled watery eyes. She is hesitant to drop it down. She is scared, I would scold her for crying. She is hurt but with sealed lips, her words she knows would make me vulnerable. She says , she was broken , yesterday, today and is aware that tomorrow will be the same.

She has complains and she is angry, for I never allow her to speak through my voice. She said she belongs to someone and that she misses him but I know, she is stupid. She is sad and dejected, I don't let her flaunt her cascades. She wants to rejoice herself and I always make her mourn. She wishes to sing the song of freedom. She wants to desperately and hopelessly fall for him. She wants him to look with a celebrating gaze. She wants to catch his blink after a long stare. She wants to express the unconditional love she carries for him, how much his smile means to her.
She tells me not to kill her, she says that she wants to live rather than just survive  for the sake of her fantasies. She told me to stop this hypocrisy. She demands from me to give up the disguise.

She wants ME to be SHE, but I know. She is the truth that is too unpleasant to be pleasant, hard to be held for her pieces prick.
She is ME.

YOU OWE NOTHING TO THE WORLD, IT WAS FIRST HERE !

Disappointments and failures I was told are stepping stone to success , Since when ? Does anyone know how much it hurts once you fail at things you never expect you would. Telling stories of great people who failed at first and then achieved the exceptions are just a way to not blame the reason of your loss. They were not happy of what they had to face , the failure was not easy to accept then nor is it now. I would rather call them lucky , that they got a second chance , the stars were stronger the next time . But how many of us fail everyday , try it the second time too but still fail . Does that mean We will be the most successful ? Who will guarantee? You , me or some supernatural force , or will those who happily take the piece of their own cake and merrily enjoying it and giving their great success stories to others?? !!
 And then we have the other saying that goes "..learn from your mistakes" , FAILURES are not mistakes , sometimes no mistake becomes a failure and sometimes only mistakes make you successful . Then comes the tips that is like a monologue given to you as if they are medicines of a disease you carry that leads to your failures . Guess the doctors? They are either your marks or the people who made it and you know they are not you neither are you them ! They are different , Does their size of boots fit you , does your size of cloth fit them ? NO ! not always at least . Then how can their tips , advice , strategies , tactic work for you ? Why is the world not ready to accept the uniqueness of each individual ? 
If we fail at things , it is our fault and nothing else , Give us just one thing -

THE ASSURANCE FROM THE WORLD THAT IT WOULD BE PATIENT ENOUGH !  

                                A passage of time , the force of Situation 

There are times when you have to realize that sometimes not to  care is better . It is not important and it never matters . The strength a relationship holds ,does not depend on virtual show of concerns . There are things one has to understand and just cherish it as IT Is ! Equations differ between two people . One might be less the other might give overwhelming response , what distinguishes at the end is how much is the respect for each.  There is always a limit , need to be understood and carried on , once crossed or disregarded results in ruining of bonds, making the strings loose . Friendship is one such beautiful experience of ones's life . You can be everything in it , a lover , a sibling, a follower , and what not . Giving everything to one relation , IS A FOOLISH THING ! Each has a capacity to carry and each needs space . All this while cribbing about losing friends , escaping to realize the mistakes I had made left to me to the brink of ending up some amazing bonds I could have made . One such mistake has always been "over attachment " , expectations that clashed with emotional hype left me defeated at all fronts . Caring leading to pestering and then a complete oblivious state had no great achievements as such . Everyday is a new learning , It comes to you if you want to or not . A friendship I have , that is indeed is a learning lesson , something I will never regret . I know it depends on me how I take it on myself , as a boon not destroying my individuality , things cherished by me and others too . Or taking a sever turn , removing any aspect that leads to my intrinsic happiness being affected at any cost . But one thing which I have realized is , I am BAD when it comes to be firm , "emotionally" . I do take decisions abruptly but is not at all different when my mind is cool . They still fail at all grounds . Expectations are the most pathetic scenes the human mind interprets in the course of time . They leave you no where , just drown in failures , that are not  stepping stones to anywhere ! I am glad I have met some amazing people in my life and I love them , LOVE  them A LOT ! I am happy if some understand and hope others too .

Simplifying is to limit the unnecessary and let the necessary speak   

THE GRAVE OF LIVELY DREAMS 

Once someone said "never lose hope, anything can happen". I regard him and so do believe . But then what you wish is rather forceful than just a want ? What if its fulfillment is more of the external factor working upon it than your intrinsic desires ?
How and why should I have hopes then ? They are words that sound inspirational and pleasing to ones's ear but are hollow when it comes to practicality. They seem sleek and glossy with romanticizing effects on one's mind , giving faith in something next to impossible . I slept to have dreams that might enchant me and help me face each morning with revitalized energy and vigour . But now I sleep to force those dreams to come ! YES ! FORCE . Dreams don't come I force my senses to see them . Again and again , the same ones . I don't care if they are weird , I don't care if they are unethical , I see what I want to see, things that will never happen in reality , things I will never cherish in real. The people I bring in my dreams are not fictitious , nor are they creation of my own . They are real people , manipulated in my virtual dreams. I have just thought to window it sometimes, but I fear I will be judged and so they stay there stacked and pilled to be only mesmerized by their owner and adorned .  They give me happiness , to live in space of my own , to command not only myself but others too.

THEY ARE REAL TO ME IN MY UNREAL WORLD OF DREAMS

THE CONTRACT 

The world has things on credit and there is nothing known as "forever" . There is always an expiry date to everything . Nothing can be tagged eternal ,nothing at all . I have been wrong all this while about people and at times about my self . Looking for the light in the room that only adorned darkness my sights were indeed blurred. I had always thought that things have different perceptions and that one should always see the brighter side , I do carry it today also. But it was time for me to realize that not everything has different angles for analysis , some are just subtle and plain , "they are either good or bad ", nothing called as better ! . I have always wondered that things I received was meant only for me , selfish desires always prevail. But soon this misconception too was overthrown . Things and people that came across were "too good to share" or say they were never mine . And everything now seem so momentary . If it was there to be forever ,insecurities would not have space. To wear a smile even when you know how hard it is , is an art . Some say I can master it " a bit better than others'' . I wish I could say " I am not glad" . The question is ,for how long ?  I am proud for what I have been all this while . They say, people change , I change , You change , We all change . But what stands stubborn are circumstances and instances. They seem repeating all the time with me , the same results , #defeat . I just ponder hard that if anything I have been bestowed   do they have a limited time and existence in my life? THEY JUST DON'T STAY !  Some leave me petrified , some just leave me awestruck (not because they are that pleasing , but rather a shock) , other shatter off the confidence to leave me timid and helpless. These abstracts like LOVE, KINDNESS, LOYALTY just seem so bleak now to me , I don't say I do not believe they do exist , but just lacks expression .

Right from the streams to the channels and tributaries of ones life , I had them all just on a contract .

Some documented , 17 years , some 13 , and some could not survive more than 2 years .

I am 17 years 6 months and 5 days old .

                                           CELESTIAL LOVE 

The very less known fact to many  ,about me is that I LOVE STARS !

I have always been so inquisitive to know all about them and now  day by day the curiosity increases. What I wish now is just to get time to sit with someone or my fav loneliness and stare at these stars all night together . They make me feel free and the irresistible warmth they give evokes the love I longed for  . They personify more that one could just think about as a source of light . They are the most beautiful sight which I have cherished since my child hood . To stare at them is still the best time pass for me . Those moments of isolation where I try finding reason to smile and laugh I look up and "stars" . Like a small toddler who gets astonished and confused by each piece of amazement he crawls by I look at these stars . They help me forget the past and to stop cribbing about the future . Watching them is like a time travel that revives my senses . They don't pour down tears nor to they question me , they don't judge me when I say irrelevant and irrational things. I stare and they stare back to me . They give me the same love I give them . They know my worth and they acknowledge me . From the romantic scenes of bollywood to the stupid thoughts that wander in my mind find solace in their viewing . To escape from this ruthless and disregarded world I live in, they are my rope . 

They are uncanny to give me the feeling that someone like me also finds happiness in watching them and one day together will we admire and cherish !

PLACID 

To resist her when it was all open to him 

To stop himself to be amazed

To make himself bow down and think his next step

To not disrespect her 

To get her without perfection 

To not live within a superficial conception

It will not always be easy 

You have to think beyond the belly 

You have to see the naked soul 

It has to be penetrated through the naked body of her's

This move has to be dauntless

This act has to be holy

She is credited to you 

Think not what she has to show to you 

Invade what she has hidden in  her self

Why do you search for light ?

Why do you not dwell with her in that darkness ?

This ignorance of your's kills her within

Why not save her than trying to feel her skin?

They don't tell you how much she is hurt.

Your stare matters than your judgements 

To think about joy , you never thought the curse 

To count for dollars, hold her before that 

So you could be counting STARS 

She will wait , will you ?

I just wonder if she was really the person I knew or was there something I still had to discover . "A complete novice " I called her all the time but she amazed me . To me she was someone I could just relate every bit of myself . But that time all my perceptions faded away, She was not I thought her to be . She was not an immature stupid boisterous known friend of mine , She was someone different . Those eyes which once had nothing to search for because they never felt incomplete , stood in that wide corridor looking for something that was yet to be called her's . To meet her everyday was his only way to express how important she would now be to him . But as I mentioned "novice" , YES she was. Those stares lacked much expression not by him but for her. She had something else in mind. She never realised HE read them already . I was still unknown to all that happened right before my eyes . But one has to understand the #wit behind #ignorance ,  #words  disguised as #silence . And then the known yet unknown description of those scenes début came beautifully on the screen and I applauded for it . For not I was the only one who certified about its ingenuity . SHE WAS HAPPY , HE WAS RESCUED . 

I repeat " she was a novice" . I know she was the same . She still amazed me not because she came out in an extraordinary way to present herself to me . But because she did not lose herself to him . But the boat they both were to row together needed a change . To what he read of her's he wanted to change , not guide her thoughts but make her believe in his . There was still that gap he felt and the failure to fill it up soon crept in . She never realised it was not about romanticizing her belief , it was a tough way to go . He sensed it soon , to make a decision was important now for She was not yet ready is what HE thought , but no one knew better than they about each other :D . So came the most unexpected "pause" . This is what amazed me because I just realized I had something much more to discover and I had a part to play for her and him . 

She was the same yet so different , So simple but so intricate , So defining yet so misunderstood , So known yet a stranger, So happy but with unseen tear . 

They know each other better than they could about themselves . SHE and HE are friends to WAIT ! She will , She has been , She is . 

But she is asking WILL YOU TOO ?

SHE IS NO MORE A " NOVICE" !

This Page, That Year 

That day, when life just took its uninformed and destructive turn . I stood there gazing to those moments that would hence forth reflect in my memories. There was decision to be taken, promises to be made , responsibilities to be shouldered . I was to make myself or break myself . I did realize that I was going under a change . This change would not alone affect me but the lives I now was accountable to . Living a carefree and less paid life , It was time for a revitalization . I however realised that everything WE hope for is not that is there in the "PLAN" . The confidence thrashed by circumstances, demeanour lost to difficulty and came the blue waters with the hallucinating waves . All that I possessed just seem to lose the strings once attached to me and was supposed to stay . But as truth triumphed over fantasy and immaturity , realities became unbearable . This turned life topsy turvy , to find my self stuck in that awful middle position where options seemed more like a dreadful attempt to save oneself. To over think became a regular habit , expectations reached their peak . It seemed that I wished if stones could speak and trees answered queries ,that anyone would just help me escape this grounding situations which soon was to steal the precious things I once acclaimed pride about . 

Yet one has to realize that there is always a rainbow after a heavy rain , a saviour in the sea of pain